The Grief of the Threshold: Why "If They Wanted To, They Would" is Failing Us
Recently, I was scrolling through a conversation online that stopped me in my tracks. It was a deep, raw discussion about the difference between care and capacity—specifically, the devastating realization that someone can love you deeply but simply lack the physiological or emotional bandwidth to show up for you.
As a certified mediator, I spend my days navigating the gridlock of human conflict. Most of the time, the ruptures I see aren't born out of malice. They are born out of a profound misunderstanding of capacity. We are culturally conditioned to believe that love conquers all, fueling the popular internet catchphrase: "If they wanted to, they would."
But what happens when they want to, and they can't?
The Disconnect Between Desire and Execution
For a long time, the dominant narrative has been that motivation is enough to overcome behavioral deficits. If someone isn't meeting your needs, the assumption is that they just don't care enough.
But care and capacity live in entirely different parts of our nervous systems. A person can have all the love in the world for you, but if their nervous system is dysregulated, or if they are carrying unhealed trauma, their capacity to execute that love in a healthy, consistent way might be severely limited.
We need both the motivation to go after what we want and the internal infrastructure to sustain it. When we confuse a lack of capacity with a lack of care, we create an impossible standard that inevitably leads to resentment.
My Own Threshold
I’ve had to sit with this reality in my own life recently. In doing my own introspective work, I realized that I have a very low tolerance for drama and inconsideration.
For a while, I wrestled with that. Was I being too rigid? Was I not extending enough grace? But I came to understand that recognizing my low tolerance wasn't a flaw; it was a clear metric of my own capacity. I know exactly how much inconsistency I can hold before my own nervous system starts sounding the alarm.
When you do the work to understand your own threshold, you stop trying to force other people to expand theirs on your timeline. You accept the reality of what is in front of you.
The Grief of the Threshold
There is a profound, specific sorrow that comes with this realization. One commenter in that online discussion described it perfectly: "It’s a brutal kind of grief reaching a person’s end before you’ve run out of time."
Walking away from a connection—whether professional, platonic, or romantic—is usually framed as a result of lost love or a massive betrayal. But often, it's the quiet heartbreak of hitting a threshold. It is the realization that you have reached the absolute limit of the other person’s capacity to grow, and you cannot shrink yourself to fit into the space they have available.
The Accountability Paradox
This brings up a natural tension, one that often sits at the very center of the mediation table: Where does grace end and accountability begin?
If we accept that people have limited capacity, do we just let them off the hook for hurting us? Absolutely not. While somatic blocks and burnout are real, using "low capacity" as a permanent shield against growth is a form of intentional neglect.
There is a difference between someone who says, "I am struggling to hold this right now, but I am actively doing the work to expand my capacity," and someone who throws up their hands and says, "This is just how I am." We each have a level of personal agency. Intentionally ignoring opportunities for growth is a choice.
Building Conflict Repair Systems
We live in a world that chronically depletes our capacity, demanding we show up to our relationships already running on empty. But understanding this dynamic is the first step toward genuine conflict repair.
Next time you find yourself in a cycle of disappointment with someone, try asking a different set of questions:
Am I asking for something they simply do not have the tools to give right now?
Is their lack of capacity causing me to compromise my own boundaries?
Are they actively curious about expanding their capacity, or are they comfortable in their limitations?
Healing doesn't come from forcing someone to be who you need them to be. It comes from seeing them exactly as they are, acknowledging your own limits, and deciding what you are truly willing to accept.
