When Communication Fails: How to Align Perspectives and Resolve Conflict with Care
Navigating life with a roommate who approaches and inhabits the world entirely differently than you can be challenging. Additionally, for many 30-somethings, living in shared housing to save money in today’s economy is a practical necessity —but it also creates plenty of opportunities for conflict that is particular to today’s age.
One incident stands out for me—a recurring discussion about cleaning our bathroom. For what felt like the umpteenth time, I expressed my frustration with what I perceived as a lack of shared responsibility and differing expectations. This roommate, a staunch advocate of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), would respond with phrases like, “Is this what I heard you say?” (a tool called reframe in NVC) but often struggled to capture the essence of my concerns.
I was visibly upset, feeling anger bubbling over as I attempted to clarify: “No, that is NOT what I said.” From there, the discussion spiraled into a cycle of frustration. Neither of us was effectively using our skills to steer the conversation toward a collaborative and desired outcome. From my perspective, the disagreement wasn’t about the actual issue anymore—it became a reflection of my anger and their interpretation of my “inability” to communicate non-violently.
I was angry because I desired a healthily clean bathroom, a seemingly simple goal, yet our approaches felt misaligned. In this moment, I realized that the application of NVC felt misaligned with our personalities and communication styles. Reflecting on this, it became clear that our different perspectives and communication approaches were at the heart of the challenge. While Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a valuable framework to help individuals find a shared cadence and understanding in their interactions, this experience underscored the importance of balancing such tools with authenticity and consideration to navigate conflicts effectively.
What Is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is designed to foster empathy and understanding in relationships. It emphasizes expressing feelings and needs without blame and encourages listening with the intent to understand. While NVC can be a powerful tool, it is not without its limitations.
Traditional NVC focuses on helping individuals connect through empathy, but it often assumes that all participants engage from an equal footing. This approach can overlook the systemic inequalities, historical oppressions, and power dynamics that influence how people communicate and experience conflict —- whether you believe it or not all of these are present in your workplace, for example. By treating communication as though it exists in a vacuum, traditional NVC risks perpetuating harm by failing to address the broader societal forces at play.
Introducing Decolonized Nonviolent Communication
Decolonizing Nonviolent Communication (DNVC) builds on the foundational principles of NVC while addressing its gaps. DNVC acknowledges that communication does not happen in isolation from systemic structures such as capitalism, colonialism, and racism. It seeks to create a more inclusive framework that honors lived experiences, recognizes power imbalances, and provides space for emotions like anger—often dismissed in traditional approaches—as valid and necessary.
As Meenadchi highlights in her work, DNVC involves rethinking how we engage in dialogue. It emphasizes understanding how our histories and identities shape our communication patterns, fostering authentic connection through empathy, collaboration, and respect for boundaries. Rather than assuming neutrality, DNVC centers the realities of marginalized groups and creates opportunities for healing and understanding grounded in equity.
By incorporating a trauma-informed and context-aware lens, DNVC transforms communication into a practice of mutual care and accountability. It challenges individuals to engage with their own positionality and the systemic factors influencing the dynamics of a conversation. In doing so, DNVC offers a path toward more meaningful and restorative interactions that honor the complexity of human experiences.
Keep reading, I have an example coming soon!
Decolonizing Nonviolent Communication
In an interview on "A Skeptic’s Path to Enlightenment," Meenadchi explores how decolonizing NVC can create more inclusive and effective communication. It involves:
Acknowledging Systemic Oppression: Recognizing that our society isn’t always fair or equal. Some people face challenges because of history and social systems that shape how we interact and communicate. Understanding how societal structures and historical injustices shape communication patterns and interactions.
Embracing Somatic Awareness: Paying attention to how emotions like stress or anger show up in your body, helping you stay calm and focused during tough conversations. Cultivating an understanding of how emotions manifest in the body, enabling individuals to stay present and grounded during conflict.
Prioritizing Consent and Boundaries: Making sure everyone feels comfortable, respected, and able to share their thoughts openly in a way that works for them. Ensuring that all parties feel safe, respected, and empowered to participate fully in the conversation.
Consider this: Your friend works tirelessly, putting in 80-hour weeks, and by Friday, the exhaustion begins to show in their body. Whether or not they communicate this directly, understanding their reality—a life shaped by navigating capitalism—can shift how you approach a conflict. A simple act of consideration, grounded in empathy and awareness of these broader social structures, can be pivotal in navigating tough conversations or resolving conflicts.
Creating a safe and respectful approach to conflict, especially with someone close to you, requires intentional prework. For instance, with my roommate, part of me wished he had acknowledged that I was a PhD student juggling an equally demanding 80-hour schedule. My insistence on a clean bathroom was not just about the task itself; it was about ensuring that we both contributed to a shared sense of comfort and respect in our living space.
Developing the skill to embrace somatic awareness in the midst of conflict or disagreement takes time. I’ve found that taking breaks and rescheduling discussions (not too far into the future) can allow this somatic work to happen. Even the simple acknowledgment of your breath can help ground you, bringing you back into your body and creating space to process emotions like anger. Looking back, I realize that when anger began to rise during my interactions with my roommate, I could have paused, called a time-out, or simply acknowledged my feelings in the moment.
Perhaps this would have opened the door to a conversation about consent and boundaries. He could have authentically expressed his needs for a safe and constructive discussion about the bathroom, and I could have clearly established my boundaries. These moments of pause and mutual understanding are what ultimately allow for conflict to transform into collaboration.
A New Perspective on Anger and Conflict
For me, decolonizing NVC means reclaiming the validity of emotions like anger. Anger is not the enemy—it’s a signal that something needs attention. When traditional NVC focuses solely on “neutrality” or “peaceful” expression, it can inadvertently silence people whose anger stems from lived experiences of injustice or oppression.
By integrating Meenadchi’s insights, I’ve learned to navigate conflicts in ways that honor my emotions while still striving for understanding. This approach feels more authentic and aligned with my values. It allows for the complexity of human emotions, power dynamics, and systemic inequities to be part of the conversation rather than erased from it.
Advisory Note on Conflict Resolution
Incorporating a decolonized approach to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) into my practice, I leverage systems thinking to help clients identify the societal structures and pressures that may hinder effective communication or conflict resolution. Conflict does not happen in isolation—it is often influenced by broader systemic forces that we all experience. Together, we examine how these forces impact clients' ability to communicate and resolve conflicts.
I encourage clients to explore how conflict feels in their bodies. What sensations arise when anger is present? How do they typically respond during moments of tension? We reflect on the outcomes they usually achieve and assess whether those outcomes align with their desired resolutions. I ask clients to consider: What is your true goal in this conflict? What is the most authentic way for you to achieve this goal while incorporating collaboration, consent, and negotiation?
My role as a facilitator is to create a safe container for these conversations, keeping a keen eye on power dynamics to ensure that all parties feel seen and respected. This space allows individuals to show up as their authentic selves and collaborate toward agreements that align with their goals. By prioritizing safety, empathy, and equity in these discussions, we can move beyond surface-level solutions to address the deeper needs and dynamics at play.
Final Thoughts
Traditional NVC has its merits, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. For those of us navigating layered identities, systemic inequities, or deeply rooted cultural norms, decolonized approaches to communication offer a more inclusive and empathetic path forward. In relationships—whether with roommates, friends, or colleagues—we can create space for anger, honesty, and accountability to coexist with empathy and understanding. That’s where true connection begins
